my thoughts are racing
too fast for me to know
what it is I'm feeling
I wish they would flow
one minute I'm happy
smiling ear to ear
and then I get angry
and people start to fear
because after anger is violence
someone always gets the brunt
and then comes the remorse
but by then I've been shunned.
why can't I control it,
the path it always takes?
If I know it's gonna happen
can't I stop for their sakes?
the answer is no I can't
i have tried to stop before
i try to think about it
but my impulse control is poor.
Most days I'm too clingy
I hate when people leave
they think that I am bipolar
but no, I have BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder
that's what they say is wrong
Stemming from childhood abuse
but c'mon, it's been so long!!!
Shouldn't I be better,
learned to deal with it by now?
I don't want to be like this
someone show me how.
How do I stop being angry
at people who did nothing wrong?
All these intense emotions,
I wish that they were gone.
I want to be normal
forget what's been done
to get rid of these feelings
and stop wanting to run...
I'm a mother now damnit
but how can I raise my kids?
I'm afraid of the world
and everything I did...
is how i am today
going to affect who they are?
will my mental issues
leave emotional scars?
will they hate me when they get older
for crying with no reason?
or will they love me just for trying,
and understand, inside I'm bleeding?
All these questions harass me
because all I really want
is to be a good mother
a parental confidant.
I want them to trust me
feel that I am always there
I want them to know
there isn't a secret they can't share.
But how can my kids trust me,
if I can't trust myself?
I feel like I'm torturing them
because of my mental health.
are there any suggestions
on how I can improve
the anger that is always there,
my constant bad moods?
How can I be a better mom,
a better person all around?
is it even possible to get better
written date:2001
P/s AM I Better NOW????
